Things You'll Never Hear These Sleuths Say... ;-)

If you’ve been kind enough to follow this blog for a bit, then you know that I have a special interest in the way crime fiction characters speak, and what that says about them. It’s the linguist in me, I suppose . We learn a lot about characters’ personalities through what they say. So just for a change, I thought it’d be fun to think of things that we’d never hear our favourite sleuths say. I think that says a lot about them, too. So here are some….

 

Things You’ll Never Hear These Sleuths Say

 

Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot:

“Just leave it, Hastings! It doesn’t matter if your tie’s not straight.”
“You know, I think I’d like to get rid of this confounded moustache.”
“Oh, I have no idea who did it. I’m not very good at this, you know.”

 

Colin Dexter’s Inspector Morse:

“Same again, Lewis? My shout.”
“You’re absolutely right, Doctor. Alcohol was really hard on my system and I’m very glad I’ve given it up.”
“Dative case? Nominitive case? Who cares?” 

 

Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Millhone:

“Would you like to come over for a home-cooked meal? I do a really good chateaubriand.”
“Not now! Project Runway is about to start and I want to know whose fashion design wins the competition.”
“You know, that’s the thing. I’ve never been in real danger, so I don’t know what that feels like.”

 

Stieg Larsson’s Lisbeth Salander:

“I consider myself a real “people” person. I just love a good, rich conversation.”
“Ewww, a bug! Kill it, quick!”
“Oh, I hate computers! They’re just too confusing.”

 

Ian Rankin’s Inspector Rebus:

“Now, Shiv, you know you’re not supposed to do that. It’s against policy.”
“No, thanks. Haven’t touched a drop in years. But I’d love an herbal tea.”
“I’m so tired of Edinburgh. I think it’d be nice to take a long, relaxing cruise.”

 

Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe:

“Oh, no, thanks. I’m actually really proud of this diet I’m on. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get down to the gym and work out.”
“Stop in any time. Or I’ll meet you somewhere. Just say the word.”
“You’re absolutely right, Archie! I was completely wrong about this case.”  

 

Sara Paretsky’s V.I. Warshawski:

“What? And ruin my manicure? I don’t think so!”
“Sorry, I can’t take that case. I just have to get this needlepoint project done.”
“I’m getting real tired of people whining about getting cheated and abused all the time. Life’s not fair – deal with it!”

 

Liza Marklund’s Annika Bengtzon:

“I just don’t understand this feminism thing. Why a woman can’t be fulfilled at home taking care of children is beyond me.”
“I’ve always thought the media has far too much power. Damned nosy reporters! They blow everything out of proportion.”
“Me? No, no complaints at all. I’m just grateful my life’s going so smoothly.”

 

Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch:

“Sure, cut me in on the deal. I could use the money and nobody has to know.”
“Ah, who cares? People do things and they get away with it sometimes. It happens. Let it go.”
“Yeah, that’s right. I leave for Hawai’i tomorrow and I can’t wait! Nothing to do for a solid two weeks – don’t you love it?”

 

Nevada Barr’s Anna Pigeon:

“Did you hear the good news? They’re building a shopping mall right in the preserve! What a great idea!”
“A fox fur? What a lovely gift and just what I wanted!”
“Two blocks? Nah, that’s too far to walk. Let’s take the car.”

 

So there you have it. Just a few things you’ll never hear these crime fictional sleuths say. Care to add any of your own?

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