Research suggests that the average person changes careers five times during life. That makes sense if you think about the fact that we all grow and change. And besides, sometimes people want to try something different. A person can get “burned out” in almost any career, really. So I got to thinking about what it would be like if some of crime fiction’s well-known sleuths decided to try out a new career. Now, if you’ll be kind enough to suspend your disbelief that these sleuths would actually apply for these jobs, here’s my look at….
Jobs That These Sleuths Will Probably Not Get
Interviewer (smiling cautiously): Thanks for coming in. In looking through your résumé, I see you’re experienced in handling emergencies.
Candidate: Yes. I’ve been in a few emergency situations. I can handle them.
Interviewer: Excellent. We hate to think of an emergency happening, but we always reassure our clients that our employees are equipped for any situation.
Candidate: I think I am.
Interviewer: Good. Now, here at Step Ahead Nanny Services, we believe that every child deserves lots of special attention and care. And our clients depend on us for expert guidance on working with their children. So, perhaps you could tell me a bit about your child minding experience, Ms….. Salander?
Lisbeth Salander: Well…
Interviewer: I’m glad you’re interested in working with us. Here at Hallmark Greeting Cards, we always like to have new ideas and new ways to help people reach out to each other. Now tell me about your writing experience.
Candidate: I’ve mostly written reports, but I do have a background in the Classics and I’m fond of words.
Interviewer: Excellent, Mr. Morse. Now of course, greeting cards are meant to be supportive and positive. Can you give me a few examples of cheerful, supportive kinds of things you might say? For example, to someone who’s just gotten engaged?
Inspector Morse: Well…
*NOTE: Henning Mankell’s Kurt Wallander probably wouldn’t get this job either…
Interviewer: Thanks for coming in. Now, before we go any further, I should let you know that Ajax Insurance is looking for claim adjusters who really know the Chicago area very well.
Candidate: Oh, that’s not a problem. I grew up in Chicago and I know the city really well.
Interviewer: Terrific! Now, do you have any experience with the insurance business?
Candidate: Yes. I’ve gotten involved in insurance claims and cases more than once.
Interviewer: Good! OK. We want to hire a claims adjuster who knows how to be a team player and, well, go along with company decisions about things. Do you think you could do that, Ms. Warshawski?
V.I. Warshawski: Well….
Interviewer: It’s a pleasure to meet you. We need an active person like you who knows the area well, Mr. Pickett.
Joe Pickett: Well, I’ve been living here for some time.
Interviewer: That’s great! Now before we go any further, let me tell you a little about our company. We at Big Sky Development believe that this part of Wyoming will be the next boom area. So we’re planning a huge amount of building to get the economy going, bring people in and encourage industrial development. What we’re looking for is someone who knows the area to go out and sell our properties to companies and get them to relocate here. You think you can sell our dream, Mr. Pickett?
Joe Pickett: Well….
*NOTE: Craig Johnson’s Walt Longmire probably wouldn’t get this job either…
Interviewer: I’m glad to hear you’re from this area. We want a representative who knows the California consumer.
Candidate: Well, I’ve lived here all my life and I’ve met all kinds of people in my line of work.
Interviewer: Excellent! Now, let me tell you what Head to Toe is looking for. We need a buyer to work with the fashion houses in L.A. and New York and make sure our stores have the latest. Our goal is to make Head to Toe the place for women to find everything they need for casual, business and evening wear. So, what’s your fashion experience, Ms. Millhone?
Kinsey Millhone: Well….
Interviewer: It’s a pleasure to meet you. Now, we’re looking for someone who’s an experienced traveller.
Candidate: Ah yes. Me, I have been to many different places.
Interviewer: That’s good to hear. Extreme Trips is looking for someone who is accustomed to being in all sorts of different places. Now, we also need someone with leadership skills.
Candidate: I have often taken the lead when it was necessary. In my work, it is important to be able to get others to co-operate. Leadership, it is a valuable quality.
Interviewer: It certainly is. What we need is someone to lead our Extreme Trips hiking and camping tours of Mont Blanc. You know, glaciers, all-day hikes, and mountain lodges at night. Your breakfasts and simple dinners are gratis since you’d be leading the tour. Does this sound like something you’d enjoy doing, M. Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: Well…
What about you? Care to make any additions?
*NOTE: The title of this post is a line from The Clash’s Career Opportunities.