Research suggests that the average person changes careers five times during life. That makes sense if you think about the fact that we all grow and change. And besides, sometimes people want to try something different. A person can get “burned out” in almost any career, really. So I got to thinking about what it would be like if some of crime fiction’s well-known sleuths decided to try out a new career. Now, if you’ll be kind enough to suspend your disbelief that these sleuths would actually apply for these jobs, 
here’s my look at….
Jobs That These Sleuths Will Probably Not Get
I
Interviewer (smiling cautiously): Thanks for coming in. In looking through your résumé, I see you’re experienced in handling emergencies.
Candidate: Yes. I’ve been in a few emergency situations. I can handle them.
Interviewer: Excellent. We hate to think of an emergency happening, but we always reassure our clients that our employees are equipped for any situation.
Candidate: I think I am.
Interviewer: Good. Now, here at Step Ahead Nanny Services, we believe that every child deserves lots of special attention and care. And our clients depend on us for expert guidance on working with their children. So, perhaps you could tell me a bit about your child minding experience, Ms….. Salander?
Lisbeth Salander: Well…
II
Interviewer: I’m glad you’re interested in working with us. Here at Hallmark Greeting Cards, we always like to have new ideas and new ways to help people reach out to each other. Now tell me about your writing experience.
Candidate: I’ve mostly written reports, but I do have a background in the Classics and I’m fond of words.
Interviewer: Excellent, Mr. Morse. Now of course, greeting cards are meant to be supportive and positive. Can you give me a few examples of cheerful, supportive kinds of things you might say? For example, to someone who’s just gotten engaged?
Inspector Morse: Well…
*NOTE: Henning Mankell’s Kurt Wallander probably wouldn’t get this job either…
III
Interviewer: Thanks for coming in. Now, before we go any further, I should let you know that Ajax Insurance is looking for claim adjusters who really know the Chicago area very well.
Candidate: Oh, that’s not a problem. I grew up in Chicago and I know the city really well.
Interviewer: Terrific! Now, do you have any experience with the insurance business?
Candidate: Yes. I’ve gotten involved in insurance claims and cases more than once.
Interviewer: Good! OK. We want to hire a claims adjuster who knows how to be a team player and, well, go along with company decisions about things. Do you think you could do that, Ms. Warshawski?
V.I. Warshawski: Well….
IV
Interviewer: It’s a pleasure to meet you. We need an active person like you who knows the area well, Mr. Pickett.
Joe Pickett: Well, I’ve been living here for some time.
Interviewer: That’s great! Now before we go any further, let me tell you a little about our company. We at Big Sky Development believe that this part of Wyoming will be the next boom area. So we’re planning a huge amount of building to get the economy going, bring people in and encourage industrial development. What we’re looking for is someone who knows the area to go out and sell our properties to companies and get them to relocate here. You think you can sell our dream, Mr. Pickett?
Joe Pickett: Well….
*NOTE: Craig Johnson’s Walt Longmire probably wouldn’t get this job either…
V
Interviewer: I’m glad to hear you’re from this area. We want a representative who knows the California consumer.
Candidate: Well, I’ve lived here all my life and I’ve met all kinds of people in my line of work.
Interviewer: Excellent! Now, let me tell you what Head to Toe is looking for. We need a buyer to work with the fashion houses in L.A. and New York and make sure our stores have the latest. Our goal is to make Head to Toe the place for women to find everything they need for casual, business and evening wear. So, what’s your fashion experience, Ms. Millhone?
Kinsey Millhone: Well….
VI
Interviewer: It’s a pleasure to meet you. Now, we’re looking for someone who’s an experienced traveller.
Candidate: Ah yes. Me, I have been to many different places.
Interviewer: That’s good to hear. Extreme Trips is looking for someone who is accustomed to being in all sorts of different places. Now, we also need someone with leadership skills.
Candidate: I have often taken the lead when it was necessary. In my work, it is important to be able to get others to co-operate. Leadership, it is a valuable quality.
Interviewer: It certainly is. What we need is someone to lead our Extreme Trips hiking and camping tours of Mont Blanc. You know, glaciers, all-day hikes, and mountain lodges at night. Your breakfasts and simple dinners are gratis since you’d be leading the tour. Does this sound like something you’d enjoy doing, M. Poirot?
Hercule Poirot: Well…
What about you? Care to make any additions?
*NOTE: The title of this post is a line from The Clash’s Career Opportunities.
Oh, so clever. You know your sleuths.
Patti – Why, thank you
. Glad you enjoyed this.
Excellent Margot
That’s very kind of you, Kerrie – thanks
I just loved the interviews. I think slueths are fitted well in their jobs. They often gain their skills over time and that makes them unsuited for other work because sometimes the two are completely opposite. Really enjoyed them.
Clarissa – Why, thank you
. I’m really glad you liked these. And you’ve got a very well-taken point about sleuths. Most of them are well-suited to what they do and as you say, they wouldn’t be as good at doing something else. Or another career they might choose would, as you say, get in the way of what they do best – sleuthing.
Interviewer: While we usually do not go to a candidate’s home for an interview your resume was so impressive we decided to make an exception.
Candidate: Thank you for accommodating my request.
Interviewer: At Big Apple Food Services we are constantly on the lookout for people who love food.
Candidate: Fine cuisine has been a lifelong passion of mine.
Interviewer: Great! Well, let me tell you about the job. We are looking for a man who can both drive our new food bus and cook our gourmet hot dogs. The bus will be traveling the five boroughs. You will be out and about the city every day personally getting the chance to interact with hundreds, even thousands, of New Yorkers. You’ll get lots of exercise. We would proud to have you Mr. Wolfe.
Nero Wolfe: Well, ….
Bill – Oh, this is terrific! What a great mismatch! It is funny to think of Wolfe driving that bus and cooking hot dogs. This one’s inspired
Ha! Morse as a greeting card store employee.
These are great, Margot!
Elizabeth – Thanks very much
. I’m glad you liked these, and yes, I’m not sure I’d want to get a card that Morse had designed…
Very funny, Margot.
How about Inspector Montalbano (Camilleri) for a position at Weight Watchers as their calorie counter? Or Sherlock Holmes for a drug rehabilitation programme director? Or Annika Bengstrom (Marklund) for a position writing PR material for a politician?
Maxine – Thank you
. And I love your ideas! I can just imagine the kind of PR that Bengtzon would write, or what Montalbano might say to Weight Watchers clients. And you’re right; Holmes would be a very – er – unconventional programme director for drug users. 
Loved this, Margot! I’m off to buy a bunch of cheery sunflowers for Morse’s desk at his new job.
Elspeth – Thank you
! And I’m sure Morse will appreciate that cheery, sun-filled gesture…
I can’t top those, Margot. This is a priceless post. Loved it.
Pat – Oh, I’m so glad you enjoyed the post
. I admit I had fun doing this one.
That was a load of fun, Ms. Kinberg. Sherlock Holmes is not the tidiest of detectives, so how about sending him for an interview for the job of a housekeeper? He can take his magnifying glass along, it might help him spot dust off the mantlepiece. But strictly no pipes — the eccentric sleuth might just burn down the place!
And if not a travel guide, I wonder if Hercule Poirot would get a job as a winemaker considering his favourite drink is Crème de cassis, one of many things he is so particular about. He could be sniffing wine instead of clues.
Prashant – I’m glad you enjoyed the post. I really like your idea of Sherlock Holmes as housekeeper too. Lots of fun trying to get him used to tidiness! And yes of course it would have to be for an emphatically non-smoking family
.
You’ve a clever idea too for Poirot as a winemaker. There are lots of aspects of that job that he would probably cringe at having to do…