When Sleuths Need to Get Away ;-)

Travel AgenciesWith today’s world getting more and more digital, lots of people don’t use travel agencies the way they once did. But people do still visit travel agents sometimes, especially when they’re planning more complicated trips or need some guidance about their travel options. So I was thinking (careful – I think in an odd way… ;-) ), what would happen if some famous fictional sleuths visited a travel agent? Now, before we go any further, you may want to put aside that heavy burden of disbelief for a short time. That said, here are some…

 

Trips These Sleuths Will Probably Not Take

 

I

 

Travel Agent: How may I help you?
Client: Ah yes. I would like to plan a holiday. London, it is not pleasant at this time of year.
Travel Agent: How right you are! Well, we’ve a marvellous new travel option. I’m sure you’ll find it delightful. It’s our special Australian tour.
Client: Australia? That interests me greatly. I have never been there.
Travel Agent: Wonderful! Let me tell you about the tour. Fourteen days in Australia’s Outback. You’ll get to see some rare and wonderful animals and plants, hike around in some of the world’s really beautiful country, and stay in some delightful encampments, just like the local Aborigines do. You even get to visit the famous Ayers Rock formation! The natives call it Uluru, I believe.  You’ll have your meals outdoors in the open air, and …well, it’s a true back-to-nature holiday. Shall I arrange it for you?
Hercule Poirot (Agatha Christie): Erm….perhaps not.

 

II
 

Travel Agent: Good morning, what can I do for you?
Client: Good morning, Rra. I would like to plan a short holiday. I have been working very hard at my business these last months, and it is time for a rest.
Travel Agent: You have come to the right place, Mma. We at Super Excellent Tours are here to serve you. Now, what sort of holiday interests you?
Client: I have heard some good things about America.
Travel Agent: Then I have the perfect holiday for you. A week in Las Vegas is exactly what you need. Just imagine! All kinds of nightclubs where there is exciting music and dancing that you would not believe! There are wonderful restaurants and casinos too.
Client: Casinos?
Travel Agent: Oh, yes, you can gamble all night long if you want, and there are beautiful waitresses who will bring you as much to drink as you want. I went there myself. I have never seen so much neon and glitter in my life. A true playground for adults. Now, shall I book you on our extra-special Las Vegas Dream Trip?
Mma. Ramotswe (Alexander McCall Smith): Well…perhaps you can show me something else?

 

III
 

Travel Agent: Hello, what can I do for you?
Client: I’d like to plan a getaway sort of trip. My boss and I have been awful busy lately, so I’m thinking he needs a break. So do I.
Travel Agent: I know just what you mean. So let’s see… here’s something interesting. How about our Grand Canyon Tour? Can’t get much further away from it all than there.
Client: Never been there, but I’ve heard the weather’s great.
Travel Agent: Sure is! Never rains there or anything. Gets hot in the summer, but hey, that’s how it is all over the place, right? Let me tell you about the tour. A week at the Grand Canyon. It includes a great mule-ride trip into the canyon and out. And you camp in the canyon for two nights. Oh, and there’s a visit to a local Indian Reservation too. Your boss’ll love it!
Archie Goodwin (Rex Stout): Y’know, I don’t think he will…

 

IV
 

Travel Agent: Good afternoon, how can I help you?
Client: I’ve got a couple of weeks of holiday time coming up, and I thought I’d make use of them. Think it’s time for me to get away for a bit.
Travel Agent: Well, then, let’s get started with your planning. What sort of trip did you have in mind?
Client: Definitely out of the UK. Maybe a visit to France, that sort of thing?
Travel Agent: Got it. I have just the thing for you. Forget the Chunnel and a few days on the other side. Let me tell you about our exclusive Riviera package. It’s really quite elegant. It costs a bit, I’m afraid, but you do get what you pay for. This one features a stay at a lovely place in Monaco, where you get to gamble with the rich and famous. And there’s a fabulous yacht dinner option that is absolutely out of this world. If I might say so, we’ve had several celebrities that I’m sure you’ve heard of take this tour. State dinner chic, bluebloods and enchantment all the way, so you’ll want to bring your best clothes (pointed look at the client’s outfit). What do you say?
Barbara Havers (Elizabeth George): Umm…maybe not…

 

V

 

Travel Agent: Hello, what can I do for you today?
Client: I promised my teenage daughter we’d take a trip together. My job keeps me busy and we don’t get to spend the time together that I’d like. So I told her we’d go away somewhere special.
Travel Agent: What a great idea! Did you have a particular place in mind?
Client: Not really. Just somewhere different – somewhere exotic maybe.
Travel Agent (snapping fingers): I’ve got it! Have you ever been to Hong Kong? It’s beautiful! Lots of wonderful restaurants, world-class shopping, exotic places to visit, a great climate, the whole thing. Oh, and I can arrange for you and your daughter to take a special guided tour of the city – even to places the tourists don’t get to see. (Noticing client’s facial expression) And don’t worry. It’s perfectly safe.
Harry Bosch (Michael Connelly): Maybe someplace a little less exotic…

 

VI

 

Travel Agent: Hi, there, how can I help you?
Client: I’ve been feeling the need for a break. You know how it is. So I figured it’s time to get away.
Travel Agent: Of course. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Now, what sort of trip did you have in mind?
Client: Well, I’m not a hundred per cent sure, but I was thinking maybe a cruise.
Travel Agent: That’s a great idea. There are a lot of wonderful cruises that leave from this area. I’m sure we can find one that suits you. Hmmm…(clicks on computer keyboard for a moment). Here’s a terrific one! It’s a special ‘Gourmet Cooking’ cruise to Hawai’i and back. The whole focus is on preparing and serving fine food, so some world-class chefs will be along to give classes and demonstrations. And of course there’ll be plenty of delicious meals too.
Client: Hmm…I’m not sure about that. What else do you have?
Travel Agent: Let me see… Oh, here’s our ‘Runway Runners’ cruise. It’s a sort of preview for the fall and spring fashion seasons. There are designers from all over the world who show their creations, and one of the big features is the ‘Catwalk Contest’ where passengers create their own designs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Kinsey Millhone (Sue Grafton): Uh…maybe I’ll just take a drive up the coast…

 

What’s next? Will Colin Dexter’s Inspector Morse be urged to go to Disney World? ;-)

28 Comments

Filed under Agatha Christie, Alexander McCall Smith, Colin Dexter, Elizabeth George, Michael Connelly, Rex Stout, Sue Grafton

28 responses to “When Sleuths Need to Get Away ;-)

  1. Oh, I’d have loved to see Morse at Disneyland. Or Wallander, for that matter.

  2. What a great idea Margot, especially the McCall – very funny. I’m sure Philip Marlowe would have loved the skiing at Aspen and Nick and Nora Charles would love the ruins at Pompeii! And what about a hiking tour through the Himalayas for Gideon Fell … Thanks for these summery thoughts …

    • Sergio – I’m so glad you enjoyed this. And thanks for your own contributions. I can just imagine what Nick and Nora Charles would be like exploring Pompeii! And I laughed out loud at the thought of Marlowe skiing or Fell hiking. Hilarious! Love ‘em.

  3. Funny. Liked the first one. I can definitely seen Poirot in such a situation. How about Hathaway?

  4. That’s hilarious – you nailed it! I think you should send the Wimsey family to a Butlin’s holiday camp – I don’t know what the US equivalent would be, but I think Peter, Harriet and the children would find it a democratizing experience.

    • Moira – I’m so glad that you enjoyed this; thanks for the kind words. And I love the idea of a Butlin’s trip for the Wimsey family. There isn’t really a direct equivalent in the US, but there are some similar things and the concept travels quite nicely. Yes, I definitely think that’d be a good choice for them.

  5. Very funny and apt, Margot. My favorites were III (Archie Goodwin) and IV (Barbara Havers). Although, I think if Wolfe could handle the trip to Montenegro, he might be able to handle the Grand Canyon Tour.

  6. Travel Agent – Well, if the Grand Canyon is not for your boss what does he like to do?

    Archie Goodwin – Hmmmmm, he loves to eat. He reads a lot. He spends time every day with his orchids.

    Travel Agent – Ah, a man of refinement. I’ve got a great idea. How about a week in a spa on the plains of Saskatchewan? The menu is heart smart and calorie careful. There is a carefully planned exercise schedule for every day. He can walk for miles every day between the waving fields of wheat.

    Archie – Sounds good to me. This trip will be a real surprise for Nero.

    ****

    Travel Agent – What can I do for you sir?

    Client – Well, it’s the end of January and every flight out of Saskatchewan for the next month is sold out. With it being -40 every night everyone with any cash or credit is getting on a flight out of the province. Everywhere is warmer. I’ve got to get out of here but how can I do it?

    Travel Agent – Not to worry! I’ve got the perfect solution. There is a 10 day bus tour leaving tomorrow for Branson, Missouri. There is one spot left. You would be travelling with 50 fellow country music lovers day and night. You will go to two shows every day in Branson. The tour is country music heaven.

    Russell Quant – I, I, I don’t know what to say. Maybe -40 isn’t too bad.

    ****

    Travel Agent – Can I be of assistance Monsieur?

    Client – Indeed you can. Reine Marie and I were thinking of doing something other than spending time at our usual lake resort. Do you have any suggestions?

    Travel Agent – I am full of suggestions. I understand. Why go to a resort and just sit around at the lake? How about a swinging seniors all inclusive two week at a giant resort in Orlando? Big buffets and bigger drinks. Lots of action if you know what I mean – wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

    Armand Gamache – I do know exactly what you mean. Merci. Reine Marie and I are going back to our lake.

    • Bill – These are absolutely fantastic! Just fabulous! I can only imagine what it would be like if the Gamaches had to endure a ‘swinging seniors’ trip. And especially to a ‘plastic-y’ place like Orlando. Oh, that’s rich! And poor Russell Quant. As if the country music wasn’t enough, he’d be faced with more rayon, bad haircuts and worse food than he could imagine. And as far as Wolfe goes, I think he’d last about two hours there before he went splenetic. Oh, these are truly inspired. Thanks very much for sharing.

  7. Col

    Started my day off with a smile, cheers

  8. Love it! Yes, I don’t see those sleuths signing up for those particular vacations. :)

  9. Nan

    I LOVE this! What a fun, fun posting.

  10. I’m glad I always go back through the posts I’ve missed during the week, Margot. This one was lots of fun. I imagined Walt Longmire in Paris (especially because Craig Johnson spent quality time in Europe not so long ago and gave us reports on Facebook — I just couldn’t see Walt having as much fun there as Craig did. :D

    • Pat – I’m glad you enjoyed the post. And I love that idea of Walt Longmire in Paris!! What a mismatch! And I’m thinking something similar of C.J. Box’s Joe Pickett or Margaret Coel’s Vicky Holden. That one was great, Pat – thanks.

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