(More) Things You’ll Never Hear These Sleuths Say… ;-)

Things Sleuths Don't SayA few years ago, I did a post on things you would never hear certain fictional sleuths say. And if you think about it, you can learn as much from what sleuths wouldn’t say as you can from what they would say, especially when it comes to character development. Of course, one post never allows enough space to mention all the sleuths out there, so I thought it might be fun to take a look at a few more sleuths. Now, if you’ll be kind enough to park your disbelief in front of the TV for a bit, here are…


(More) Things You’ll Never Hear These Sleuths Say


Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple

Really? He did? I hadn’t noticed.
Bugger the garden! There’s a great football match on.
I’m so tired of this boring village. I’ve been thinking of getting a place in Camden Town.


Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe

Fine, but it’s going to cost you. Five grand and I never saw anything, never met you.
God, you’re beautiful! Of course you’re innocent.
Oh, no, thanks. Never touch the stuff.


Reginald Hill’s Andy Dalziel

None for me, thanks. Watchin’ the blood pressure.
Sorry, did that upset you?
(To Pascoe) Go on, then. Aren’t you and Ellie going to that book signing tonight? This’ll wait.


Andrea Camilleri’s Salvo Montalbano

No, thanks. I just don’t feel like eating.
You know what, Livia? Let’s set a wedding date.
What a beautiful morning! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing. It’s going to be a great day!


Kerry Greenwood’s Phryne Fisher

Oh, I couldn’t! Ladies don’t do that.
I’ll need to check with Inspector Robinson first. He’s in charge of the case.
Not another dinner dance invitation! I hate those things!


Donna Leon’s Guido Brunetti

So what? Everybody takes a cut, don’t they? Why shouldn’t I?
Signorina Elettra? She’s just a glorified secretary. Who cares what she says?
I have so much respect for Vice-Questore Patta. He’s my role model.
Bonus: Brunetti’s wife, Paola Falier (In a very meek tone of voice):  Yes, dear. 


And there you have it. Things you will never hear these sleuths say. What about you? What things do you think your top sleuths would never say? If you’re a writer, what would your sleuth never say?


And Now For a Few Things You Will Never Hear Margot Say

Oh, no, thanks. I can’t stand the taste of coffee.
I couldn’t care less who wrote that stupid book.
Billy who?




Filed under Agatha Christie, Andrea Camilleri, Donna Leon, Kerry Greenwood, Raymond Chandler, Reginald Hill

45 responses to “(More) Things You’ll Never Hear These Sleuths Say… ;-)

  1. I love that – especially your bonus ‘Billy Who?’.

    Let me see if I can join in the fun.
    Martin Beck:
    ‘I’m feeling very jolly today, feel like a hop and a skip, and lots of rich food!’

    Inspector Morse:
    ‘I’ll pay for the next round, Lewis.’
    ‘Can’t be bothered to listen to these academics, so glad I left college without a degree…’

    Vic Warshawski:
    (meekly) ‘Yes, of course, I’m just a silly old bubble-head. (high-pitched Barbie laugh) Of course I won’t investigate any further.’

    Things you’ll never hear me say:
    ‘Of course instant coffee is just as good as the real thing…’
    ‘I have so much time to read and write, I don’t know what to do with myself.’
    ‘No, thank you, I don’t like chocolate or cake.’

  2. Sam Spade:
    Because I am afraid to tell you, how you make me feel, Darling.

    Sherlock (BBC):
    For the mere thought of losing any of you to crime or death haunts my every moment, and coping with it would need me to ask for your help!

  3. Great stuff Margot, brilliant. But surely Salvo will marry Livia eventually, right? I’m such a softie … 🙂

  4. These are all great! Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  5. Haha! Brilliant stuff!!


    Nero Wolfe: Back soon, Archie – I’m just off out for a run…

    Jane Casey’s Josh Derwent: I’m so glad I’ve got a woman boss now…

    Elly Griffiths’ Ruth Galloway: I think I need to gain a bit of weight…

    Me: Hmm… actually, you’d never hear me say “I’m just off out for a run” or “I think I need to gain a bit of weight” either! 😉

    • 😆 Oh, FictionFan, yours are absolutely fabulous!! *Pauses a moment to stop laughing and take a breath.* I loved ’em! And no, I wouldn’t be likely to say I ought to gain weight, either…. 😉

  6. These are all great! From Margot’s to the comments! I’ll try a couple Rebus would never say – “Bugger all this vinyl! I’ll buy an MP3 player and get Shiv to download everything.” And, “No, I don’t have any whisky in the kitchen. When I was at Tesco I just bought healthy food and didn’t go near the booze aisle. But I can rustle up a wee Green Tea, Ger.” And, “I’ve sold the SAAB. Heap o’ shite. Got one of those wee electric numbers. Perfect for zipping round town.”

    • Oh, my, Crimeworm, these are absolutely priceless!! Just perfect, and bang on, too! I’m still chuckling! I can just see Rebus at Tesco, too… Thanks for sharing. And thanks for the kind words; glad you enjoyed the post.

      • Great post as ever! Yes there seems to be a theme of: a) loving chocolate; b) hating housework; and – no surprise here – c) loving reading. I’m with everyone on all three. Your imagination for great posts as ever knows no bounds!

  7. Margot: What an interesting second collection and fine comments. I am impressed.

    I would like to add:

    Armand Gamache: Marie Reine, I think we should have a wiener roast for supper with Cherry Coke to drink. I am dying for a good old fashioned hot dog loaded with mustard.

    Russell Quant: Who would leave Saskatchewan in the middle of January just because its -40 to go on a cruise around the Caribbean?

    Kinsey Milhone: Today’s the day I fulfill a lifelong dream and get Manolo Blahniks. I think the blue satin pumps with stiletto heels would be perfect!

    • Oh, Bill, those are absolutely priceless! I really love them. They’re perfect, and really capture the characters beautifully. Thanks for these, and for the kind words. I can just see Kinsey Millhone in those Manolos, and Gamache trying to eat a hot dog…and Russell Quant turning down a cruise. Love ’em!

  8. Such a fun post, Margot.

  9. Very clever, Margot. I missed the first round so it was fun going back to that post too.

  10. So clever Margot and commentators. I am glad you mentioned Signorina Elettra – I loved this character – her can do attitude and the respect she has earned.
    And none of the protagonists I like would ever utter these words,”“the Y shaped incision had been made, running from each shoulder, converging between her full breasts” !!! ( yes it still irritates me) 🙂

    • 😆 No, none of the ones I like best would ever say that, either, Carol!!! Thank you – that’s great! And I can completely understand how it still irritates you. I agree, too, about Signorina Elettra; she’s such a great character, and really adds to the series. Thanks for the kind words!

  11. All too, too clever and funny. Thanks for a good giggle.

  12. So brilliant Margot – I read this yesterday and had a good old chuckle and have now returned to read the comments and your readers have come up trumps too – I especially like Dalziel’s. My poor contribution is Frost – I do wish I had some more paperwork to do, my desk is empty!

    • 😆 Oh, Cleo, that Frost comment is fabulous! Pitch perfect! And I agree; the folks who’ve commented have come up with fantabulous examples that had me laughing out loud more than once. Glad you enjoyed this.

  13. Kathy D.

    Oh, great, always a fun post with a lot of additional comments to enjoy.

    How about
    Salvo Montalbano: “Oh, I’ll pass on the pasta and pesce. I’ll have a steak instead.”
    Guido Brunetti: “Oh, I think I’ll go out with my friends from the questura instead of going home for dinner tonight.”
    Paola Falier: “Oh, go ahead, dear. I don’t mind even though I
    prepared dinner all afternoon. I’ll just reheat it for you tomorrow.”
    Elettra Zorzi: “I have no idea how to access that information. I
    give up on this project.”
    Nero Wolfe to Archie: “Oh, just run down to the liquor store and
    pick up a red and white wine and some beer.”
    Archie Goodwin: “I think I’ll marry Mary, buy a house, settle down and
    have a family.”
    V.I. Warshawski: “I’m not going to run out and find out who stole
    those documents belonging to Mr. Contreras. Let someone else do it.”
    Me: “I’ll pass on that chocolate. I’m just so sick of it.”
    “I can’t wait to get to cleaning this house.”
    “I’m going jogging tomorrow at 6 a.m. with my running buddies.”

    • Oh, Kathy, those are hilarious! And inspired, too! I especially love the ones from Elettra Zorzi and from Archie Goodwin, but all of them are fabulous. Thanks so much for sharing these. And trust me, I’m not likely go jugging at 6am, either. 😉

  14. Another great post Margot. Thanks for the entertainment 🙂

  15. These are great! How about:
    James Bond (at the car hire desk): just give me something cheap and unnoticeable. I’m looking for fuel economy and low emissions.
    Gervase Fen: I think Shakespeare said something about this kind of situation, but I can’t for the life of me remember what.
    Amanda to Albert Campion: Darling could you just fix this little technical problem for me, I really don’t know how to cope…

    And what you’ll never hear me say:
    Why would I want to sit in that comfortable chair and read when there’s housework to be done?
    Coffee & chocolate? No thanks.
    (sensing a theme amongst you and your readers here..)
    No, not interested in going up to the big city for theatre/opera/exhibition – too crowded and buzzy for me.

    • Oh, Moira, these are fabulous! Inspired! I’m still laughing – you really got them pitch perfect! And I’m with you when it comes to that comfy chair, that good cup of coffee and some chocolate. I consider both (coffee and chocolate) to be major food groups. I like that theme you’ve sensed, too!

  16. Wonderful stuff! Let’s see if I can join the fun:

    Thug: “You better do what I tell you, Spenser, or else…”
    Spenser: “Anything you say. I abhor violence.”
    Hawk: “I’m with you, Spenser. I hate violence even more.”

    Bad guy: “You got me dead to rights. I’m at your mercy.”
    Mike Hammer: “Okay, let’s go. I believe in deliberate, due process of the law.”

    Detective Goren: “No problem. I don’t much bother with details and all that intellectual stuff.”

    Morse: “No! Not Mozart again! How ‘bout some Led Zeppelin?”

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